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I THINK, THEREFORE I BLOG. THOUGHTS ARE OBVIOUSLY MY OWN.
There's a conversation I had recently with my therapist that I want to reflect on. We were discussing my feelings about an issue and she came right out and told me I was grieving. I had never perceived grief to be related to anything other than the death of a person. By definition, Grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. I have been grieving since March. What happened in March? The most anticipated year of my life drastically changed and I no longer had control. Everything I worked and prayed for - nonexistent. A loss I was not prepared to deal with. March 2020 In March, a stay at home order went into effect. This was the first time in my life I truly experienced a serious pandemic. I had faith in the science. I had faith in America. This would only be temporary. I was in the last full semester of my doctoral journey, and it was cut short by Covid. That was okay though, because I still had one last class over the summer - one last hoorah with my cohort. Then April came, and May, then June, followed by July, and then it dawned on me. Covid wasn't going anywhere any time soon. The more comfortable Covid got, the more uneasy I became. "The New Norm" took a lot of things from me... I was 26 and finishing a Ph.D. Covid cut my last semester short. I defended my dissertation via video chat. The research conference I received the honor to host became virtual. My cohort and I didn't get to take our class portrait in our "Executive Black". I was VERY finished with school, but I felt so undone. Shoutout to Cohort XV. LEGENDARY. Even though business continued, it was anything like normal, and I didn't realize how much it was affecting me. I was happy and sad at the same time. The closer it got towards graduation, the louder my sadness became... I wanted to cry all the time. Honestly, I want to cry writing this. I was picking out venues for a party in hopes that I could have one, looking for outfits because I planned to walk across the stage, religiously checking my institution's academic calendar praying hard that one day I would see Fall Commencement 2020 appear. There was no rabbit or fortune to pull out of the hat - it just wasn't going to happen. Don't get me wrong - I understand the seriousness of this pandemic. I understand that people have lost their lives. I understand that people have been irresponsible. I understand that people are grieving. What I now understand is that I am grieving too. I'll never get these moments back. I likely won't get another terminal degree or finish a Ph.D. in my 20s, or be a first-generation doctoral student. For me, this was my once in a lifetime. This was me defying the odds. This was me getting shit done in spite of. It was important to me. It's still important to me. So, by definition, I am grieving. I have lost something that I developed a bond with, and no, I don't want to be strong about it.
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AuthorI write. I blog. I research. I read. Thoughts are obviously my own. <3 Archives
May 2024
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