Today, I turned 30.
The big three-oh. The “landmark” age. Hey girl, it’s me. I’m here. I wondered how I’d feel when thirty came around. I wondered for a while, actually. As a woman, the idea of aging can feel uncomfortable. All this biological clock talk and pressure to experience your “best years”. It’s weird and it's everywhere. But today, I feel good. I feel confident. I feel like Beyoncé on Schoolin' Life - and if you don't get that reference.... oh honey. Somewhere along the way, someone created this idea that women expire. Women are taught that they must become mothers, wives, or the president before they’re 30 or they’ve wasted their time and talents. What a misconception that is. Just like a fine wine, the expensive kind, I feel like I'm only getting better with time. Today, I turned 30. At thirty, I get to experience what a blessing it is to age. At thirty, I get to experience a better version of myself and the life that I’ve created. At thirty, I get to reflect on the good, the bad, and the ugly that led me here. At thirty, I get to make more money and spend more money too! Today, I turned 30. At thirty, I get to experience the "before and after". I get to see the payoff from all of the hard work. I get to make my own rules and move to the beat of my own drum. Although I was already doing this (IYKYK), there's something more unapologetic that comes with it at this big age lol. At thirty, I get to stand in my grandiose confidence and femininity. At thirty, I feel grown. Today, I turned thirty. At thirty, I’m wiser, finer, healthier, happier, wealthier - better. At thirty, I’m her. Still her. Been her. Happy Birthday to all the '93 babies, especially the ladies. Tell the bottle girls to bring out champagne! Cheers to a new decade of everything our hearts desire. Today, I turned thirty. Thank you God. written 08/28/2023
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Disclaimer: This book is a lot, and these thoughts are my own. Like many other literary works, some things within are open for interpretation. The All About Love Series is my personal take on this piece of work by bell hooks. I won't be sharing my thoughts on the entire book, but I do think its worth sharing the pieces that resonate the most with me. chapter 10: romanceWho are we to each other in our dreams, and who are we when we wake up? Are we ideas? Are we representations of things we long for? Are we fairytales reincarnated and brought to life? Who are we to our romantic partners and who are they to us? Remember, love is the place where care, commitment, trust, knowledge, responsibility, and respect all coexist, as bell hooks stated. Our relationship with these things starts in infancy, and for some of us, we never receive them all. So, when one of these things is lacking in our lives, we try to replace it with romance. Both men and women treat romantic relationships like opportunities for redemption - a chance to fill a void - an opportunity to be saved. But, romantic relationships are so much more than that; they are simple, yet complex. They have the ability to uncover, create, and allow the true form of being. Let's get into it. ChoiceOne of my favorite songs is Int'l Players Anthem by UGK and Outcast. It's playing at my wedding; that's how much I love that song. But, on the subject of choice, the song is a rap rendition of the beauty of choice in romantic relationships. Let me remind you that love is a choice, and choosing a romantic partner - someone with whom to spend the rest of your life and create life with - is one of the most intimate and important decisions in your life. There is intense beauty in being chosen in this way. Many people long to feel chosen, whether it be due to the absence of some aspect of love or pure desire, men and women want to be chosen. The poetry of it all. One day, generations will talk about the love and romance that brought two people together who made a choice. With this choice, we see elements of love. We see responsibility. We see commitment. commitment Commitment in romantic relationships is unique because that is the one relationship that you are bound to by choice and choice only - unless you're in an arranged marriage (and in that case, I cannot help you!). When the love is true, commitment takes a new form. It goes beyond consistency. In true love, as bell explains, committed people are open to being changed, undone, seen, and exposed by their beloved. There is a certain level of vulnerability associated with allowing someone to truly see you and giving them permission to change you, but commitment in true love will bring the unbelievable out of people. This goes back to my earlier questions, who are we to each other in our dreams and when we wake up? Are we committed to taking the good and the bad? Commitment means being okay when the shoulders get cold or when the chicken wasn't taken out of the freezer in time, and that's because commitment trumps any sense of minor discomfort. It's that major. Ask yourself -> Do I love you because you exist? It is conditional or is it connection? connectionConnection is my favorite. In romantic relationships, we are sometimes drawn to people and we have no idea why. We weren't looking for them - they just appeared. We didn't ask them to "check all the boxes" - they just did. But, I think that's it. Sometimes we are just meant to be connected, and souls in love will find each other. There are heart connections, and there are soul connections, according to bell. Heart connections aren't difficult to make. With connections of the heart, we're attracted to things like their style, the way they think, and of course the way they look. Heart connections allow us to "appreciate those we love just as they are". Can love come from a heart connection? Absolutely. With soul connections, there is a deeper level of connection and mutual recognition - we see them and love them for who they could be and who we could become under their influence. It's like saying, "I trust my connection to you. I trust what our connection can become and what it can bring". sweet loveRomantic relationships are the most unique. These bonds are formed through choice, not duty or obligation. Who are we to each other? What does embarking on love with you mean for me? Am I safe here? Am I seen here? Am I heard here? No matter how stubborn we are about romantic love, we all want it. We know true love exists, and we know that anything that doesn't feel right feels like settling. I don't think I have enough words to describe romantic love as I see it. I know it's suffocating but in a good way. It's tender. It's sweet. Romantic love is about the intangible - the things you can't see, but you feel so deeply. As long as we are afraid of these feelings, we will struggle to know love. So, feel. Disclaimer: This book is a lot, and these thoughts are my own. Like many other literary works, some things within are open for interpretation. The All About Love Series is my personal take on this piece of work by bell hooks. I won't be sharing my thoughts on the entire book, but I do think its worth sharing the pieces that resonate the most with me. Chapter 1: Claritybell hooks did her big one with this. The topic is clarity, and that's what so many of us lack when it comes to love. Why do we lack clarity? Its because the definition of love is so loose and often times people use a "working definition" that suits their situation or allows them to get what they want. To some, it can mean everything while it means absolutely nothing to someone else. We, as a culture and society, put so much pressure on the "L Word", whether its out of fear, shame, or uncertainty, we've made it this thing that everyone wants, but very few really experience because we lack clarity on the subject. If we don't know what something is, can we really claim to feel that way or act on it? One of the dictionary definitions says something about being "profoundly tender" for someone, and while that's cute and everything, love itself is not just a feeling. Love is much deeper. It's layered. It requires more than feeling. It requires action. So, what is love and what isn't it? bell hooks describes love as the place where care, commitment, trust, knowledge, responsibility, and respect all coexist. This made me think of relationships I've had and if all of those things were present from both parties. No, I have not been "clear" on what love is, but I can agree with bell hooks on what it isn't. She said that love and abuse cannot coexist, contrary to what many people have been made to believe. Neglect? Ghosting? Those are not forms of love and they are not excusable. Sometimes you have to make it plain, "if this person knows that these things hurt me, is it really love that they feel for me". Abuse is quite literally the opposite of care and respect, and neglect is quite literally the opposite of commitment - you get it. How do we fall in love if we aren't clear on what love is?I wrote on my Instagram: "The concept of "falling in love" is rooted in haphazardness. It implies that it "just happens" and you have no control over with whom, when, or how it does. And to me, that's a fallacy. Love is a choice. It's done with intent. Purpose. You take responsibility of those feelings. You act on them. You show up in a way that demonstrates respect, affection, and care. Consistently. You wake up and chose to love and be loving. Nothing is haphazard about that." It's choice, not chance. So what do we feel when we are in the presence of our person? A lot of things. I can't tell you if you're in love or if what you're feeling is love, but I do know that we have been taught to accept things that love is and things that it isn't. Sometimes we long for things that we associate with love, like attention and affection - or maybe we just need someone to care in the moment, and it becomes very easy to confuse what love is when our needs are getting met. While these things may be components of love, without the other parts, it's just a piece. Don't be out here settling for a piece of a person if that's not what you want! I think the purpose of chapter one was to challenge readers' thoughts on what love is and to make us question whether or not we've ever given or received it. I think a fulfilling love constitutes all of what bell hooks described, but I also think that people take what they feel like they can get. I hope this challenges your thoughts on love as a giver and receiver and I also hope that you get the love you so rightfully deserve. I wrote this entire blog while listening to Care by Sonder on repeat. |
AuthorI write. I blog. I research. I read. Thoughts are obviously my own. <3 Archives
August 2023
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