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I THINK, THEREFORE I BLOG. THOUGHTS ARE OBVIOUSLY MY OWN.
Disclaimer: This book is a lot, and these thoughts are my own. Like many other literary works, some things within are open for interpretation. The All About Love Series is my personal take on this piece of work by bell hooks. I won't be sharing my thoughts on the entire book, but I do think its worth sharing the pieces that resonate the most with me. Chapter 1: Claritybell hooks did her big one with this. The topic is clarity, and that's what so many of us lack when it comes to love. Why do we lack clarity? Its because the definition of love is so loose and often times people use a "working definition" that suits their situation or allows them to get what they want. To some, it can mean everything while it means absolutely nothing to someone else. We, as a culture and society, put so much pressure on the "L Word", whether its out of fear, shame, or uncertainty, we've made it this thing that everyone wants, but very few really experience because we lack clarity on the subject. If we don't know what something is, can we really claim to feel that way or act on it? One of the dictionary definitions says something about being "profoundly tender" for someone, and while that's cute and everything, love itself is not just a feeling. Love is much deeper. It's layered. It requires more than feeling. It requires action. So, what is love and what isn't it? bell hooks describes love as the place where care, commitment, trust, knowledge, responsibility, and respect all coexist. This made me think of relationships I've had and if all of those things were present from both parties. No, I have not been "clear" on what love is, but I can agree with bell hooks on what it isn't. She said that love and abuse cannot coexist, contrary to what many people have been made to believe. Neglect? Ghosting? Those are not forms of love and they are not excusable. Sometimes you have to make it plain, "if this person knows that these things hurt me, is it really love that they feel for me". Abuse is quite literally the opposite of care and respect, and neglect is quite literally the opposite of commitment - you get it. How do we fall in love if we aren't clear on what love is?I wrote on my Instagram: "The concept of "falling in love" is rooted in haphazardness. It implies that it "just happens" and you have no control over with whom, when, or how it does. And to me, that's a fallacy. Love is a choice. It's done with intent. Purpose. You take responsibility of those feelings. You act on them. You show up in a way that demonstrates respect, affection, and care. Consistently. You wake up and chose to love and be loving. Nothing is haphazard about that." It's choice, not chance. So what do we feel when we are in the presence of our person? A lot of things. I can't tell you if you're in love or if what you're feeling is love, but I do know that we have been taught to accept things that love is and things that it isn't. Sometimes we long for things that we associate with love, like attention and affection - or maybe we just need someone to care in the moment, and it becomes very easy to confuse what love is when our needs are getting met. While these things may be components of love, without the other parts, it's just a piece. Don't be out here settling for a piece of a person if that's not what you want! I think the purpose of chapter one was to challenge readers' thoughts on what love is and to make us question whether or not we've ever given or received it. I think a fulfilling love constitutes all of what bell hooks described, but I also think that people take what they feel like they can get. I hope this challenges your thoughts on love as a giver and receiver and I also hope that you get the love you so rightfully deserve. I wrote this entire blog while listening to Care by Sonder on repeat.
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Hi. You've reached the pedestal. I bet you're wondering how you got here. I'm almost certain someone else placed you. Welcome. You are not alone.
The pedestal is an interesting place to be. We were so delicately placed here by someone to be seen, admired, adorned, or some other intangible act. Do we like the pedestal? Maybe. It affords us respect and admiration. At the same time, it requires a role to be played and a certain path to be followed, or we are no longer able to have our seat at the pedestal table. It can be a tiring place, but heavy is the head. The weird thing about pedestals is that those who are placed there can benefit from the privilege associated with the seat, but can also suffer from feeling unseen from those who look on. Do they really see us beyond the pedestal? Are we allowed to exist in a truthful way? - Hardly ever to the people who placed us here, it seems. Someone placed us here. They've created this idea of who we are and how we should exist in this world. They give us what they think we need based on this idea in their minds. Our needs are hardly ever met by these people. Life can feel unreal with them. At the same time, the people who placed us here give us a certain feeling of value or respect, and we need that at times. To feel like someone thinks highly of us and respects how we think - they have the ability to make us feel like there's somewhere we belong. The pedestal is similar to perfection. Perfection is like a double entendre. While it may be nice to hear someone say "that was perfect" or "you're perfect" it is sometimes exhausting to live in that light in fear of the day perfect is no longer the default adjective. If you are here because you, too, have been placed on a pedestal, I see you. It is my hope that you find a safe space for vulnerability so that you can exist without the seat. It is equally my hope that, if you're happy here, you can maintain that feeling. Do we like the pedestal? Maybe. It's so crazy to think that everything that is happening has already been written. Thank you God. This is for my academicians or those of you, like me, who dibble and dabble in the academy every now and then. I don't have a faculty position, nor am I using my Ph.D. to work for a degree-granting institution of higher education. Still, I find it important to know what's current and be a catalyst for change. I know there are others, like me, who are not "in the academy", but still value research and what it can do. So, here's to us and our contributions! This is my FIRST publication post Ph.D., and I still can't believe it really happened. My journey to publication started with a mentor, Dr. Woods. My mentor was supportive during my doctoral journey and has remained that way. We often talked about publications and the importance of publishing academic work. Like most Ph.D. students, I was rather overwhelmed and bogged down by impostor syndrome, so I never considered writing for the academy outside of my dissertation. I mean come on, I wrote a whole dissertation. I never felt like my writing could be good enough to get published in an academic journal. I just didn't see myself sitting next to these "big dogs" who I was citing in my papers. My mentor made sure I knew my potential and insisted on paying it forward. I could brag on his resume all day, but let's just say its giving "Jay Z". In my eyes, he's a goat! We had somewhat similar Ph.D. trajectories, so seeing him do it made me feel like I could do it too. In December of 2020, he reached out to me to partner on a paper. I agreed instantly. Duh! This was my first opportunity at publishing an article, and I found that co-authoring with my mentor really eased my nerves and made the process less daunting. We met over Teams a few times and shared ideas starting in January of 2021. I remember feeling nervous every time we talked about the article. I was used to my professors critiquing my work, but EDITORS? My mentor put us on a strict timeline, after all, there were things he knew about publications that I did not. After we developed a manuscript we were confident in, he sent it out and we waited. Waiting to hear about the fate of your work is like forgetting to take the meat out of the refrigerator and you hear your mom's keys in the door. It's a weird kind of scary. Months went by and, to be honest, I forgot about the article. That's the reality of the academy at times. Journals can be slow to accept or not want your work at all. It's not that I forgot that I co-authored the paper, but I became so occupied with other things, the lingering thoughts I had about the paper disappeared for a minute. About three weeks after my birthday, a birthday that I considered to be this major rebirth, we received an email from the managing editor of JABE. ACCEPTED In September of 2021, we received notice that our paper was accepted. We had less than a month to provide edits. I remember nervously typing and my fingers shaking. My mentor and I had a follow-up phone calls and he was ecstatic. All I could do was nervously engage. This was my first rodeo, and I was super intimidated. I was wondering how he found it in himself to smile when we were looking at a ton of red ink and recommendations. Again, first rodeo jitters. After reworking through our manuscript and making the necessary modifications, we sent it back off. Then, there was silence. There it was. January 15, 2022, our paper was published! I was published! One year later, the paper that I was so frantic about was officially published. I'm really grateful that my mentor chose me to co-author with him on this work, and I'm extremely proud of myself for overcoming. This experience taught me several things, but one of the most important was the practice of paying it forward and establishing a positive mentor-mentee relationship. It's also why I'm so transparent in my blog posts. It's my hope that if I cannot help someone directly, like my mentor did with me, then maybe my experience can help the next person. I hope you feel seen or inspired by my story. If you've been rocking with me since 2018, thank you! If you're new here, thank you too! Stay tuned guys. There's more where this came from.
XOXO, ARI |
AuthorI write. I blog. I research. I read. Thoughts are obviously my own. <3 Archives
May 2024
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